Never let it be said ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
P = The problem logged by the pilot. S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough. S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid. S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3, and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P: Something loose in cockpit. S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That’s what they’re for!
P: IFF inoperative. S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen. S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (Note: this was for a piston-engineered airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly). S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.